I don't know where to start. I think that I've bottled up these feelings for so long that I've become incapable of expressing these feelings accurately anymore. Or that, in putting these emotions into words, I can't because I've lost the passion behind what I have to say. All I know is that I am unhappy.

When it comes to Dan, I can find a million things wrong with him. It's difficult to not be critical when it seems like everything seems to be wrong... Everything. He is just not a good boyfriend. And that's why I continuously get hurt. It's a never-ending process. That is, until I end the relationship. I don't wholeheartedly believe that this is just a matter of different definitions of relationships. It's much more than that. It really is an issue of caring or not caring, and not just different definitions of relationships because he simply didn't care to make me feel better when he knew I was upset, or even figure out why I was down yesterday. If it was truly that reason, why would he change his level of affection when we are in private and when we are in public. Yesterday, the entire day I was with him (with his brother), he was disconnected, unaffectionate, but as soon as we left his house while we were in his car alone, he reached over and grabbed my hand. And even leaned over for a smooch. I don't think love comes that easily young man. I don't think you can just ignore the emotional needs of your partner one minute, and selfishly ask for your own to be fullfilled the next just like that, and expect everything to be okay. Things are not okay, but you are too ignorant to know otherwise.

What makes it even worse is when you ignore the problems and pretend like nothing's wrong. That just irks me even more. He doesn't know how to be a boyfriend. And maybe it's time I tell him that it's over. That I've emotionally checked out. That I don't love him anymore. That he doesn't make me feel loved. That sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

I haven't been able to be myself in this relationship with Dan. I haven't been able to be happy about myself. Happy that he is my boyfriend. He doesn't inspire me to be the best that I can be. Why is that? Because I disagree with so many things that he does. I see them all as mistakes. Even the decision he made with his brother yesterday to fool his mother into thinking they bought a cheap H&M dress shirt was something I thought was immature and foolish of him. I wish I could be a bossier girlfriend. I wish he was scared of me. That he loved me enough to cater to my needs. But I'm simply not that type of girl...

Or am I? Should I be?

He tells me he loves me but I don't believe one ounce of it. Someone who loved me would've been different. Would've been able to read me so easily. Would've paid attention to my needs. This isn't even a matter of me not knowing what his needs are. My emotional needs aren't being met. How can I NOT be upset. How can I NOT be unhappy. I am so ready to blow this relationship off. We are not compatible with each other.

He fucken takes me for granted.

It disgusted me that after all that was happening yesterday, he actually thought that there as a chance of cuddling last night. That after yesterday, he could put my emotions on ignore, and think I would want to kiss him just because he leaned in for one. What are you, a fool?

And when I tell you "nothing's wrong", everything is wrong. You are too damn stupid to realize that.

I don't like a boyfriend who says stupid things without thinking. Who is addicted to facebook and does everything on facebook and not worry about more important things. I don't want a boyfriend who takes this long to understand his girlfriend. Florence is right. The longer I hang on, the more I am hurting the relationship. The more I will end up hurting him.

Here's a song I dedicate to him:

Foolish Games

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...


These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone
Off track with you.


Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.


You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
Somebody more like myself